| Normally when you hear the words 'break up', the initial reaction is to feel sympathy and to comfort. I've endured my own break up this past week. It's a strange kind of break up though becuase I've recently broken up with infatuation.
Admittedly, lately, I've been eyeing almost every decent looking and funny guy that I know after suffering from the major heart break that Mr. Xavier had put me through. I was rebounding, I guess. Looking for those feelings that he gave me and the smiles that he used to be able to put on my face. All of the pain that brought me (added to the ridiculous amount of school work piling up and pressure for excellence from home) put me in a rut and downwards spiral. I lost the need to look decent (going to school in whatever I pulled out first), I didn't bother cleaning up (my room was a complete mess), and I could've have cared less about my health (oh the many packs of cigarrettes I finished).
It wasn't until this week, where I spent most of my time with myself going around alone, that I realized just how pathetic it was starting to become. I was relying on friendships to keep me going when I should be relying on myself and having confidence in the fact that no man should be able to put me down and keep me down. I see some of my closest friends, Josh Orbeta, Rob Ceballos, Teddy Mapa, Nix Roa, and I see how strong and confident they are. They all have their days, but for the better part, they're strong and they can rise above anything.
With everything going on (I can barely organize my thoughts right now, which probably why this entry is a mess), I've finally called it off with infatuation. Called it off with looking for that representation of love and being loved because I don't need a love from a 'partner' to be happy. I've got the love of my friends and the love of my family (albeit, the family relationship has been on the rocks lately). Friends, remember all those 'crushes' I've had? Say goodbye to them.
As I've said many a time in this little spheal of mine, I've broken up with infatuation, and I'm keeping it that way. | |
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| If I gathered all my repsonsibilities, promises to others, house work, school work and managing work and then dumped it all on your lap, I'm pretty sure you woudln't be able to handle it. | |
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| I wish I didn't care. I wish that no matter what she did or will do to me, that I wouldn't give a shit. I wish that I didn't take every single one of her actions so personally. But I do care. I nag her, sure. But I nag her because no matter how hard of a time I have reasoning with her and asking her to start taking things seriously, I want her here next year. At the beginning of the year four of us said something. We said that we were going to graduate together. That we would be at each other's weddings. At the baptism of each other's kids. I don't know what she wants, but I know I still want that.
"I know you think your scary and damaged, dark and twisty, and it makes you feel like you don't deserve good things but you do. You do deserve good things. So make a choice."
I wonder if he's for real on this one. - I'm At:Medical City
- Feeling:sore
 - Soundtrack:Keke Palmer - Bottoms Up
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| There are things I can write here that I would probably never ever have the guts to write on multiply. Multiply is just too...open to the public eye for me. Truth be told, people pay more attention to multiply than they do to livejournal. I've been feeling pretty lost lately. Like I don't know what direction my life is taking, if i'm going to get anywhere, if i'm ever going to amount to anything. It's a pretty crazy sensation. It usually hits me when I'm about to fall asleep. I think that's why I've been watching that 70s show everynight and falling asleep to the voices of these illusionary people.
Hyper-reality. I think that's what it's called.
At times I feel as if the only thing my mother ever does is scrutinize me. "Are you getting fatter?" "Are you failing?" "You look so ugly." I would pay to hear an ounce of positivity spill from her lips, I tell you. Things with 'him' aren't going so well either. Hot and cold. Hot and cold. Sometimes I wonder if I should just totally give up and at other times I just feel like I know if I work through it, if I keep going, it'll happen for me. It's insane how much anyone can love someone. It's insane how crazy it can drive you too.
Care to dance? - I'm At:balcony
- Feeling:cranky
 - Soundtrack:bottoms up - keke palmer
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| Seriously, seriously, seriously buggin' about the grades. | |
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| I kissed him. And I don't regret a thing. - I'm At:Home
- Feeling:awake
 - Soundtrack:Grace Days - I am robot and proud
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| I can't believe I burnt cheese. What kind of spaz burns cheeze?
So, this valentines day was interesting. I started it off knowing that I was single.
I ended it knowing that this thing with him has moved past that like and has moved on
to something a bit more...intense, shall we say?
He gave me forty minutes of time with him and no one else. He shared a Valentine's Day
classic with me. He gave me those smiles that melt my insides instantly. There were
so many times in those forty minutes that I just wanted to tell him the truth. How much I really
cared. I knew I couldn't though. It would've ruined those forty minutes for me.
Maybe next time, I'll end up burning butter. - I'm At:home
- Feeling:blah
 - Soundtrack:the start of something
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| There's something about my windowsill that always seems to calm me down. I've got my music, my cigarettes, an internet access thanks to my lap top and a windowsill overlooking meralco avenue. It's beautiful. I may have said this before, but I just can't get over it.
I just finished overhauling Anjo's ARP cause he really needed the help. Imagine...from four sentence paragraphs to eight to ten sentence paragraphs. From informal tone to formal tone. From unsubstantiated statements to substatiation plus in-text citations. I just he realizes how much I actually put into that for him. Ahh the labor of love. Or rather labor for those in need that I care about.
Valentine's Day tomorrow. I'm a bit apprehensive about it. So many expectations that I'm pretty sure won't be met. At least I can look forward to lunch with Chinx and Mikey and who ever else decides to join us. These papers have drained me to my core. I'm going to bed. Goodnight. - I'm At:windowsill
- Feeling:tired
 - Soundtrack:grace days - i am robot and proud
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| Despite the fact that the Ateneo Sec Smocket is a place of congregation for smokers, their friends, and the like, that rare occassion that the smocket is empty is a scenario that I've actually come to enjoy. Under normal circumstances, I would gag at the thought of being alone in such a large area. It's different now though. There's something undeniably ecclectic about sitting on that bench, a cigarette hanging from my lips with my laptop at my knees, my headphones pumping out that steady beat of my latest musical addiction. Tricycles, cars, droning of people passing by...you can't hear any of it. I'm stuck in my own little world of Prefuse 73 or The Go! Team, words pouring from my fingertips.
As I type this, I've got a cigarette hanging from lips, with my laptop at my knees, my headphones pumping out that steady beat of my latest musical addiction. There are tricycles, cars and babbbling people passing, but i can't hear any of them. This undeniable state of peace is what calms me down after a hectic day of ARPs, reflection papers, lit poems, gibberish math equations and monotonous zoology reports. This undeniable state of peace is what lets me think about those friends who aren't with me at this moment, and how fond of them I am. How much I love them, how much they mean to me. Fond memories we've made, laugh trips that lasted a seeming lifetime.
This school year is nearing its end. The next one brings my summer loves and even more memories at a place so important and necessary, but at times taken for granted. It'll be a brand new school year with even more deadlines and hell weeks (or maybe even hell months). Whether or not it'll be a new year for us as Ateneans, for us as people, one thing goes unchanged. On those rare occassions at the hours of three to four o'clock in the afternoon, I'll be here, at this Sec Smocket, enjoying that time alone with my cigarettes, my laptop, my headphones and my music.
Cheers to the end of a school year of rollercoaster rides and life altering events. Cheers to the one well on it's way to greet us now. - I'm At:sec smocket
- Feeling:contemplative
 - Soundtrack:the color of tempo - prefuse 73
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| I have come to the conlusion that it's true when they say "the person you want and need is there, standing right in front of you, you just don't know it."
I didn't know things would end up this way. It just happened. Every time I see him, I lose my breath. Every time our arms brush, my spine tingles. And every time I see him, I wonder for how long it'll last and when how long it'll last the next time I do. I hate this feeling and yet I love it, oh so much, at the very same time.
I'm standing right in front of him. I wonder if he can see it.
GG PIE. To the maxxy bra. | |
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flashelectrico's journal
