Lady Flash Electrico

Breaking Up With Infatuation

2008-03-23T09:47:31Z

Normally when you hear the words 'break up', the initial reaction is to feel sympathy and to comfort. I've endured my own break up this past week. It's a strange kind of break up though becuase I've recently broken up with infatuation.

Admittedly, lately, I've been eyeing almost every decent looking and funny guy that I know after suffering from the major heart break that Mr. Xavier had put me through. I was rebounding, I guess. Looking for those feelings that he gave me and the smiles that he used to be able to put on my face. All of the pain that brought me (added to the ridiculous amount of school work piling up and pressure for excellence from home) put me in a rut and downwards spiral. I lost the need to look decent (going to school in whatever I pulled out first), I didn't bother cleaning up (my room was a complete mess), and I could've have cared less about my health (oh the many packs of cigarrettes I finished).

It wasn't until this week, where I spent most of my time with myself going around alone, that I realized just how pathetic it was starting to become. I was relying on friendships to keep me going when I should be relying on myself and having confidence in the fact that no man should be able to put me down and keep me down. I see some of my closest friends, Josh Orbeta, Rob Ceballos, Teddy Mapa, Nix Roa, and I see how strong and confident they are. They all have their days, but for the better part, they're strong and they can rise above anything.

With everything going on (I can barely organize my thoughts right now, which probably why this entry is a mess), I've finally called it off with infatuation. Called it off with looking for that representation of love and being loved because I don't need a love from a 'partner' to be happy. I've got the love of my friends and the love of my family (albeit, the family relationship has been on the rocks lately). Friends, remember all those 'crushes' I've had? Say goodbye to them.

As I've said many a time in this little spheal of mine, I've broken up with infatuation, and I'm keeping it that way.

Guess What.

2008-03-22T17:15:26Z

If I gathered all my repsonsibilities, promises to others, house work, school work and managing work and then dumped it all on your lap, I'm pretty sure you woudln't be able to handle it.

Nahihirapan

2008-03-11T08:37:13Z

I wish I didn't care. I wish that no matter what she did or will do to me, that I wouldn't give a shit. I wish that I didn't take every single one of her actions so personally. But I do care. I nag her, sure. But I nag her because no matter how hard of a time I have reasoning with her and asking her to start taking things seriously, I want her here next year. At the beginning of the year four of us said something. We said that we were going to graduate together. That we would be at each other's weddings. At the baptism of each other's kids. I don't know what she wants, but I know I still want that.

"I know you think your scary and damaged, dark and twisty, and it makes you feel like you don't deserve good things but you do. You do deserve good things. So make a choice."

I wonder if he's for real on this one.

The beeez knees

2008-03-09T11:49:05Z

There are things I can write here that I would probably never ever have the guts to write on multiply. Multiply is just too...open to the public eye for me. Truth be told, people pay more attention to multiply than they do to livejournal. I've been feeling pretty lost lately. Like I don't know what direction my life is taking, if i'm going to get anywhere, if i'm ever going to amount to anything. It's a pretty crazy sensation. It usually hits me when I'm about to fall asleep. I think that's why I've been watching that 70s show everynight and falling asleep to the voices of these illusionary people.

Hyper-reality. I think that's what it's called.

At times I feel as if the only thing my mother ever does is scrutinize me. "Are you getting fatter?" "Are you failing?" "You look so ugly." I would pay to hear an ounce of positivity spill from her lips, I tell you. Things with 'him' aren't going so well either. Hot and cold. Hot and cold. Sometimes I wonder if I should just totally give up and at other times I just feel like I know if I work through it, if I keep going, it'll happen for me. It's insane how much anyone can love someone. It's insane how crazy it can drive you too.

Care to dance?

The Wrath Of Marcie

2008-03-03T10:53:22Z

Seriously, seriously, seriously buggin' about the grades.

Holy Shit.

2008-02-22T17:55:47Z

I kissed him. And I don't regret a thing.

Valentine's Day

2008-02-14T14:38:28Z

I can't believe I burnt cheese. What kind of spaz burns cheeze?

So, this valentines day was interesting. I started it off knowing that I was single.
I ended it knowing that this thing with him has moved past that like and has moved on
to something a bit more...intense, shall we say?

He gave me forty minutes of time with him and no one else. He shared a Valentine's Day
classic with me. He gave me those smiles that melt my insides instantly. There were
so many times in those forty minutes that I just wanted to tell him the truth. How much I really
cared. I knew I couldn't though. It would've ruined those forty minutes for me.

Maybe next time, I'll end up burning butter.

Grace Days

2008-02-13T15:43:09Z

There's something about my windowsill that always seems to calm me down. I've got my music, my cigarettes, an internet access thanks to my lap top and a windowsill overlooking meralco avenue. It's beautiful. I may have said this before, but I just can't get over it.

I just finished overhauling Anjo's ARP cause he really needed the help. Imagine...from four sentence paragraphs to eight to ten sentence paragraphs. From informal tone to formal tone. From unsubstantiated statements to substatiation plus in-text citations. I just he realizes how much I actually put into that for him. Ahh the labor of love. Or rather labor for those in need that I care about.

Valentine's Day tomorrow. I'm a bit apprehensive about it. So many expectations that I'm pretty sure won't be met. At least I can look forward to lunch with Chinx and Mikey and who ever else decides to join us. These papers have drained me to my core. I'm going to bed. Goodnight.

Alone and totally enjoying it.

2008-02-13T08:21:03Z

Despite the fact that the Ateneo Sec Smocket is a place of congregation for smokers, their friends, and the like, that rare occassion that the smocket is empty is a scenario that I've actually come to enjoy. Under normal circumstances, I would gag at the thought of being alone in such a large area. It's different now though. There's something undeniably ecclectic about sitting on that bench, a cigarette hanging from my lips with my laptop at my knees, my headphones pumping out that steady beat of my latest musical addiction. Tricycles, cars, droning of people passing by...you can't hear any of it. I'm stuck in my own little world of Prefuse 73 or The Go! Team, words pouring from my fingertips.

As I type this, I've got a cigarette hanging from lips, with my laptop at my knees, my headphones pumping out that steady beat of my latest musical addiction. There are tricycles, cars and babbbling people passing, but i can't hear any of them. This undeniable state of peace is what calms me down after a hectic day of ARPs, reflection papers, lit poems, gibberish math equations and monotonous zoology reports. This undeniable state of peace is what lets me think about those friends who aren't with me at this moment, and how fond of them I am. How much I love them, how much they mean to me. Fond memories we've made, laugh trips that lasted a seeming lifetime.

This school year is nearing its end. The next one brings my summer loves and even more memories at a place so important and necessary, but at times taken for granted. It'll be a brand new school year with even more deadlines and hell weeks (or maybe even hell months). Whether or not it'll be a new year for us as Ateneans, for us as people, one thing goes unchanged. On those rare occassions at the hours of three to four o'clock in the afternoon, I'll be here, at this Sec Smocket, enjoying that time alone with my cigarettes, my laptop, my headphones and my music.

Cheers to the end of a school year of rollercoaster rides and life altering events. Cheers to the one well on it's way to greet us now.

And so...

2008-02-09T17:28:45Z

I have come to the conlusion that it's true when they say "the person you want and need is there, standing right in front of you, you just don't know it."

I didn't know things would end up this way. It just happened. Every time I see him, I lose my breath. Every time our arms brush, my spine tingles. And every time I see him, I wonder for how long it'll last and when how long it'll last the next time I do. I hate this feeling and yet I love it, oh so much, at the very same time.

I'm standing right in front of him. I wonder if he can see it.
GG PIE. To the maxxy bra.

Shet. Ang tanda na natin

2008-01-26T18:01:48Z

So it was Brando, Mikkie and myself sitting at Starbucks at 9:30 in the evening. Sadly, Mr. Joaquin couldn't make it due to English papers and Mr. Terrenal had something to attend to. Hence, it was just us three all on our lonesome.

Mikkie was learning the song she would have to record for the Nanay Mo featuring Mickey Mouse project, while Brando and I were happily smoking our lungs out. Sooner than later, Mikkie sets the laptop aside and we begin talking about things. Everything. From our bullying days to the worst lasingan sessions we had ever had. Half way through all of this, we realized something. We had been referring to high school as way back then. Way back then? WAY BACK THEN?

"Shit. Ang tanda na natin," says Brando. Mikkie and I think. Potek. Ang tanda na natin. (Cue maniacle laughter at this point.) So we continue on with our kwentuhan for a while before stopping again. I point out: Tangina. And tanda na nga natin. Biologically, we aren't old at all. We haven't even began our surge to our peak yet as human beings. But we really did feel old.

Situation One:
Brando: Kinakausap ko yung mga nephews ko kanina. Aaron kasi pangalan ng isa so sinabi ko parang Aaron Carter. Sabi niya, "sino si aaron carter?"

You know those situations in which one of the oldies would ask you if you knew someone and you didn't cause it was way past your generation? Yeah, kinda like that.

Situation Two:
Mikkie: This was way back then in high school when everything was oh so dramatic.

Since when was high school WAY BACK THEN? Apparently now. (Laughter). It seems that high school which in actuality was only last year, is now a distant memory/figment of our imagination.

Situation Three (at this point, we're analyzing the situation we're in):
Meg: Dude, we really are old na. I mean, think about it, before, what would we do for fun with friends? We'd go and bum around a mall, watch movies and 'drink' cause it was the cool thing to do. What are we doing now? We're bumming around at Starbucks, smoking, talking about what we're gonna end up doing in the future (we had clear pictures of this, might I add) and talking/making kwento.

As we arrive at this analysis of our situation we really are cracking up by now. I mean, the thought of what we were doing really did make us feel like a bunch of "old people". Hehe. It's okay though. Moments and chill sessions like what we had experienced this evening were moments that you usually wouldn't trade for anything. At this point, I would rather be chilling with a couple of friends at Starbucks and talk about the strangest, most random things (and at some times relevant issues as well) than getting so drunk I can barely recognize whos sitting next to me (although I must admit, these times are fun too).

We ended this session at around 12:40 am. Over three hours later. Time really did fly pretty fast. Mikkie kept our two souveineers from this evening. Two cups with pink drawings on them of monsters. One care of Brando, the other care of yours truly. As I put these events down into words, I can't help but smile. You know why? Because:

Shet! Ang tanda na nga natin!

I'll be working into the wee hours of the night.

2008-01-20T13:17:44Z

Sometimes, I feel like a mom. Sometimes, I feel like a working mom. Sometimes, I feel like a teen mom tackling college during day and the home during the evening. Sometimes I feel like a mom, because my mom isn't there to do it for me.

Math is terrible. I've studied my brains to a mush and I still don't feel prepared. As for English, I never thought I'd see the day in which I would say, "Fuck English. Fuck it to all nine hells." Can someone infinitely smarter than me PLEASE lend me their brain for a day so that passing the midterms would actually be plausible? Before, time's like these would be when I would lock myself in my room, pretend I was doing school work and just sleep. I didn't care back then. Bullshitting my way through things was easy. It's a whole different playing field now. If I flunk out of Ateneo, I don't know what I'm going to do.

Tasha hasn't been feeling well so she needs to be brought to the doctor for another check up. Anemia. I worry about her. But it seems like the more I worry, the less she is willing to talk to me. Does anyone know how hard it is to pretend that you don't care? Shit. Enough of this. I have to get back to work.

Math Can Kiss My Ass

2008-01-18T16:57:35Z

I guess my terror professor of an English teacher had a momentarily urge to be kind to us poor traumatized English 12 students. She pushed the intro draft deadline to 2 pm and the notes deadlines to Monday. Just as well. If anyone needs me tomorrow, I will be drowning in books within the Rizal Library of Ateneo. Hello new residence. Jaco tutored me today for the math long test. Yeah, it did do some good, but I swear, that sample long test our stupid teacher gave us was little to no help. Why give a sample long test and tell us to expect those questions and then put completely different ones on the test?

Ugh.

Midterms on Monday. I'd be coming from PE at that time. Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuck. Plan of action? Saturday: Lib myself to death. Sunday: Math myself to death, go to church, and then math myself to death some more. I totally hate math. Totally, totally, totally.

Ms. Anneline Chua, I thank you for urging me to watch JUNO. It has since then become one of my favorite movies. I think I've watched it over five times already. Including in between class hours at the ever so crowded smocket. Smocketeers! Unite! Mikkie and I actually plan on making a music video for the smocket with "Mother, We Just Can't Get Enough" as the song in question. It should be a fun little project. A project that must be started on once hell week passes. Oh sorry, I meant to say hell weeks.

It occurs to me that ever since I had broken the Taft Boy curse, a number of of these XY chromosomed creatures have been mucking their way into my heart. Nice one guys. Really. There's the smart, prioritized student and awesome guitarist whom I force to visit the smocket to be with. There's the smoldering smocket inhabitant with a penchant for the drum set and any other instrument known to mankind who I have turned into my new pillow. And then there's the non-smoking smoket dweller with his characteristic slang and vocabulary who takes it to the bass. I could go on like for a while. But I won't for the sake of the sanity of others.

There is a hope for me to be kickin' it old school very soon. I'm trading in my ipod (busted and all) for a tape player and a tape mixed by yours truly. My vans and flats are going on the rack for a while so that I can sport my very beaten up, three year old chucks again. In any case, it should be fun. I never did enjoy blending with the mass.

I'm sleepy.

Death By English

2008-01-15T12:07:40Z

"i was actually hoping i could give you guys and girls a day off for
independent study tomorrow, to write the introduction. but i realized,
checking your last exercise that we need the class time.

you will see your paraphrases tomorrow, and will have time to revise
and consult during classtime.

as of this week, your topics are final.

cheers! - miss ina "

IS THAT ALL SHE THINKS WE FREAKIN' NEED TIME FOR?!

So yesterday (monday) she assigns us a fifty point submission of preliminary notes and bibliography. 30 plus sources. You'd think with that amount she'd tell us to submit on notecards right? WRONG. She requires us to submit these on a short bond paper. That's two to three pieces of freakin' short bond on each source. On these god forsaken sheets of paper, we MUST include the correct bibliographic entry of the source, the thesis statement of our argumentative research paper (which from now on I will refer to as the ARP), the paragraph from the source and the fully paraphrased entry of the paragraph. That's around fifty pieces of paper with all that freaking information on it. Is she looking to kill us or something? THIS ISN'T EVEN EN101 YET!

In addition, she wants us to submit a first draft of our full introduction to the ARP. Not to mention memorize every little fucking detail there is in that stupid Anvil Guide to Research Paper Writing. RUBBISH I TELL YOU! RUBBISH! Has she ever heard of breathing and rest? It's hard enough to find resources in the libary on music let alone Pinoy Rock.

Math Midterms are this coming Monday. Math Long Test is this Friday. I have barely any knowledge on any of the topics and I seriously think I am going to die. Not to mention the pending doom that is the class Lit Play. Schedules have to be fixed, sets built, props put into order, actors rehearsed, script finalized, songs taught to the class, blah blah-freakin'-blah. Zoology? I don't even know what's going on in that class. I'm just taking down all the notes and hoping it'll be enough come test and midterms.

Add to that all the other responsibilities to my bands and my family. Someone please buy me an oxygen tank and a robot for my use as a personal slave. f(x) = ax[2] + bx + c = {4p(y-h)+(x-k)[2]} See, I dont even know if that's right.

Things to do:

- Preliminary Notes for ARP
- First draft for ARP Introduction
- Revise Lit Play Script
- Fix Rehearsal Schedules for Lit Play
- Meeting number 2 w/ Lit Play Heads
- Catch up with FUCKING P.E.
- Somehow get into the UP Library
- Catch up on Zoo notes
- LEARN MATH!
- Read Fil readings
- Study for Zoo quiz

If anyone is willing to kill my english teacher for money, let me know. I will pay any amount you demand.

Current Mantra:
1. Relax
2. Breathe
3. Relax

Sunday Evening Blurb

2008-01-13T14:20:25Z

"I've been undone, Glory and us come together."
Glory Us - Acceptance

It appears as if we're all nibbling at the table of the world. We don't
really know what's out there but we all want to know. I heard this
phrase being used today: Ako ay tao lamang. (I am only human).
It irks me that the person used that phrase. The truth is, you CAN
control your flesh. We just choose not to 80% of the time.

Random Thought: Some people eat and eat and never gain weight. Others gain
weight at the mere thought of food. Curse those that stay thin forever!

It's pretty amazing how you can get some pretty pictures either
in a dark room with a cellphone, the car, or the smocket.

I'm exhausted and there's so much work to be done. I hate
Katrina Stuart Santiago from the deepest pits of my black
little heart. *growl*

Mythbusters

2008-01-13T09:35:17Z

There's a term that I'm getting fairly acquainted with at this point in time.

"I'm Over It."

And I really am. I had a long talk with him last night about things for our ears
only. I've come to terms with the fact that I just can't be that "love" for him.
So, after a few hours and being at my lowest of lows (not because of him, promise),
I'm finally well on my way to ending up at the point of a strictly platonic love.

I'm going clean. For real this time. Not because I want to be a buzzkill, but
for myself. Perhaps it's the 'cool' thing to do now a days, but I never was into
doing what everyone else was. It's crazy how one experience changes a person.

I need to visit the expo again. It's so easy to relax there.

THE TAFT BOYS CURSE IS OVER!
I have my very, very, very first Ateneo crush. My first
REAL Ateneo crush. This is actually a very exciting thing for me.
Laughs.

Okay. HEADRUSH.